How Long Should you Message Someone Before Asking for a Date?
This is something that everyone wonders about as soon as you get the contact. Should I ask them on a date now or should I get to know them more? Will I come across as too aggressive if I ask someone out too soon? If I take too long, will he or she forget about me? So, how long should you message someone before asking for a date?
This is something that everyone unfortunately must deal with, and to help a bit I have a list that should give you some good recommendations as well as what may be best for you to do in your circumstances. There are pros and cons about coming on too strong or not showing enough interest.
Every situation is going to be different, but this list should be able to help provide some rules of thumb. I also have some reasons listed toward the end about when you want to ask someone out in a conversation, why you may want to take longer, and when you may want to ask someone out sooner.
There are also different metrics people may ask about how long you should message someone before asking for a date, some people may determine this by how much you should message someone, how early you should ask for the date, as well as how many days should you wait. I have done my best to answer each of these as objectively as possible.
So, let’s get started by going over why it’s important how long you message someone before asking them out:
Why you don’t want to wait too long before asking someone on a date
You don’t want to take too long before asking someone on a date because they will likely lose interest. If you take too long, it is likely that someone who was interested will lose interest. Someone who would have potentially dated you could move on.
Your former interest may have developed an attraction for someone else or lost interest, especially if the connection the two of you formed was not very strong. This is another reason why you may not want to take too long before asking someone out.
Nowadays people have short attention spans, in and out. You’re constantly being bombarded by information. Life happens fast. If you take too long to act who knows where the both of you may end up. Another important reason why you may not want to over text or wait too long to ask someone out is that you want them to stay excited to see you and you want to be a bit mysterious.
You want the other person to be wondering about you and excited to see you when they are finally able to. It’s going to be difficult to maintain that excitement if you’re not meeting up. You should also be cautious of oversharing because that is what the date is for.
If you talk too much and people feel like they know everything about you, they won’t be able to learn much when they finally meet you in person. You don’t want the other person to feel like this, you want them to be very excited to meet the great person you are.
So, you want to always ask someone out as soon as possible, right? Well, not exactly.
Why you don’t want to ask someone on a date too early
If you ask someone out before you’ve established some connection, you run a much higher risk of that person: saying no, standing you up, or ghosting you. There are other reasons you may want to wait to go out with someone too such as security and making sure that the two of you would enjoy each other and get along with each other.
People go on dates with people who they are excited by and people they feel they have connected with. If you haven’t put the time and energy into connecting with someone, how can they be excited? All they will have to go off is your looks and reputation. While hopefully both will impress them, it will be helpful to connect more.
If someone hasn’t connected with you yet, they may decide it’s easier to stop talking to you. People want to go on dates with other people they connect with, and they’re excited about. If they aren’t there yet with you, it may be easier for them to stop talking with you.
(Be sure you would enjoy being around the other person)
While you want to make sure they are interested in you; you also want to see if you are interested in them. You want to make sure you like them enough to want to spend an afternoon with them. If you meet up and find you can’t stand someone, neither of you will have a good time.
Lastly, and importantly, you want to make sure that it is safe to meet up with someone. Your safety is important, and you want to make sure you are doing enough to protect yourself. Here is a link from the University of South Carolina about some good safety guidelines to protect yourself.
How long you wait to ask someone on a date also depends on one important question.
What do you want to do with your Date
This may not seem like it matters, but it does. If you text someone and are straight to the point you’re going to give off a different vibe. If you take more time and put more effort into your responses, people will see you differently. This means, how long you Message someone before asking for a date in part depends on what you want.
(If you’re looking for some great date ideas for your new date we have some ideas. 10 unique date ideas for college students that make you stand out)
If you’re Looking for Something More Casual
Here you may want to text less because it isn’t as important for you to build an emotional connection. You still want to build up excitement. Someone should still be eager to meet you and go on a date. It just probably won’t be as important if you are long-term compatible.
This means that you may want to be a bit quicker to the point. You can ask someone to hangout after building excitement and you may not be looking for connection. Often, if you ask someone out quickly, they can get this vibe.
If you’re looking for something more long term
You may want to consider asking more questions and get to know the other person. Asking someone out quickly without connecting can give a vibe of short term. So, if you’re looking for someone long term, you may want to take longer before you ask them out.
But for a general answer of how many texts you may want to send:
How many messages should you send someone before asking someone out on a date
GQ recommends 12 messages (6 from each person) before asking someone out. They caution that these should be meaningful and respectful texts. I think this is probably a good amount of messaging. Sending fewer messages at the front end can keep you excited and still leave a good amount of mystery.
You want to have enough texts sent to build excitement and show that you too may get along. You can, of course, change this based on someone’s interest. I wouldn’t count each text to make sure you have reached 12 total messages.
If the other person is still engaged in the conversation but doesn’t seem interested in meeting you quite yet it might not be the right time to ask. But, how can you know if it’s the right time to ask? When is the right time to ask someone out over text?
When in a conversation should you ask someone on a date
You should ask someone out when the conversation hits a high point and you have a lot of chemistry. You want to ask someone out when things feel good. You don’t want to wait until it doesn’t feel good and fall back to asking someone out.
This means you should aim for a high point. When talking to someone you like, if things are going well, ask them for the date then. You should still be making sure things would be safe and making sure that you like them.
If you find you and your potential date have good banter and you’re really enjoying talking to them, it could be the perfect time to ask them on a date. You may think it’s too early into knowing someone to ask them out. So, is it?
How long should you message someone before asking on a date
You likely should ask people on dates fairly early into messaging them. With GQ recommending a total of 12 matches (6 from each person) and datingZest.com claiming that 95% of tinder matches that went on a date went on a date within 2 to 7 days of matching.
It seems that it works out best to ask someone out within the first to third days of knowing them for a date soon after. While this is not a one size fits all solution, the statistics claim that asking someone out sooner, rather than later seems to work best.
There are some questions you may need to ask yourself that could change this though.
Questions you need to ask yourself
Do you Know That they Like you?
If you know for a fact that the other person does like you, ask them out sooner rather than later. There isn’t any reason to build the excitement up if someone already knows and likes you. You still may want to ask questions and wait for yourself though.
You can still make sure that you would enjoy connecting and getting to know them. You also want to make sure that you will have a safe time. Finding out what kind of date they want to go on could also be very helpful (10 unique date ideas for college students that make you standout).
Have they expressed interest in going on a date with you
If they have already brought up the idea of going on a date with you and you’re interested, it’s just a matter of availability. You can find out when you’re both free and arrange a great date. You don’t need to overcomplicate things, this is a great sign.
If someone has already been dropping hints about talking about something they want to go to and seeing if you’re interested, this is a great sign. If on the other hand when you bring up something like this they don’t seem interested it may be best not to ask them out.
How do you know them
Have you already met the other person or only talked to them online? If you’ve already met them how do you know them? If they said no, would it be uncomfortable, and would you still have to interact? These are all things that you might need to factor in.
In general, if you have already met someone in person you may have a good gauge on their interest. This can be harder to gauge if you’re dating online. I am of the opinion that you should communicate interest as early as you know generally. If that interest is reciprocated, you have a great opportunity to ask them on a date.
Who does it matter the most when you ask them out
It matters by far the most important for people who are on the fence about you. Think about it from the other side. If your crush asked you out, you probably don’t care how many times she messaged you or how long she asked. If someone you had no interest in asked you out, you’d probably say no either way.
Because of this, it matters most to the people who are on the fence about you. You must make the “right” decisions to impress them. The people who already like you are sold and the people who don’t like you probably won’t change based on when you ask them out either way.